First posted on Facebook on 5 March 2021
I have come a long way in my life. Not many people believe I used to be a very insecure, silent introvert sort of a guy. Ever forgetful, very cagey, indifferent to pretty much everything.
That was a phase and that too passed...
Tomorrow I am getting married... I am not feeling nervous or anything. But with 20 odd people asking me are you nervous I am kinda getting a pseudo tension.
Yet I am not very sure for what...
I went to Loyola college to give invites to my professors. College life was the best part my life and enlightenment. My only regret was I didn't use it to the full... Or perhaps that is part of the whole experience-
I went to the Northeast with Murali and Jai Krishna.
I cleared all papers, no arrears, but for one in World Religions (the irony)
I used to study with dedication on the night before the exam till 4 in the morning but I never ever studied through the year.
I also heard some exotic sounds on one particular night. Silent nights always throw up a few surprises.
I made a dedicated attempt to understand the world I am in- studying films, nurturing priceless relationships with extra ordinary friends like Marudhu Pandian, making films, reading amazing books, doing a research on social media
Roaming around without an aim has it perks, unlike what conventional wisdom states, a free mind when it roams, it finds purpose on its own. I never had to force purpose, it came...
Sakshi and Indrani almost made it to my wedding. Almost... and though it makes me sad that they did not come I thought about those days. It was a transition, those days in Pune.
From being a terribly pessimistic lad with no life to being so full of life... I studies 11th and 12th in an all girls schools and I went from being a misogynist, to a person who started appreciating the opposite sex... They are not just sets of boobs and bums, assembled to tease men with sexual tension, which is often confused with love... The relationships I treasure from those days are very precious and I wish Sakshi and Indrani had made it....
Though oddly enough I never really fell in love in those days... My defense mechanism was I totally avoided any girl I even had a remote sort of attraction for...
I was in Delhi before all of this from the 6th to the 10th. The cynicism I harboured for large periods in my life was built because of long hours of exposure to some sort of prejudice that folks in the north harbour for those with a darker shade of skin tone... It was not racism am sure (now) but as a kid I was deeply effected by being called a Kaala Kauva...
I also didn't have any sort of a talent or a drive. I used to go for many art competitions but was overshadowed by a far more talented artist, Nitin Khobe his name was. Ajo Jose stole the title of being the class joker. I cannot think of too many positives really, from my time in New Delhi. And I am convinced more than ever (after visiting delhi recently) that it was for my better that we left the city. Because of it's population the city has become more cut throat, with a survival of the fittest undertone- that sort of a tension
I can never handle because I am a pleasant sort of a guy who likes to smile all the time....
Honestly my time before that in Chennai was more of a blur. I have no recollection of anything interesting from when I was a kid L.K.G onwards, except that I sucked at sports and got beaten up by big Emmanuel a lot.... I had a close friend named Siddarth but he seems to have disappeared... I have a vague recollection of crying in preschool and waiting at the window for my mom to arrive after school.
Rides sitting on my bikes bullet tank I can visualize, though later my little sister took that place and I was relegated to the back seat and when my mom was there I had to sit on the metal holder at the very back.
The period from after college- 2 years in Nalandaway has been an absolute roller coaster ride. The experinces and learnings with some amazing folks- Bramma, Pavel, Sriram and Suri has rocketed my life to a stratosphere of meaning and purpose... I feel a sort of a bliss when I think of those days...
And now as I enter another phase in my life I wonder...
Is there any more that I could possibly want or I could possibly learn that could be even more life changing...
The girl I am marrying is the most beautiful girl in my eyes, in every possible way and I could possibly never have any sort of regrets... Should I be nervous?
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