An open letter to an old friend.

Hi Nitin

When I landed in Delhi back in 1996, I was a very boring kid. I have no recollection of doing anything interesting with my life. You could say that I was just in the 6th grade... The average sixth grader does lead a very non descriptive life. Yet, I believe that there was something within me that was waiting to be tapped, released, awakened, sparked into life etc...

But when I reached the 8th grade my life changed. We were friends for a year I believe.

We used to cut class and we used to spend hours together in art class. When we got bored of art class we used to play squash- with our bare hands- in the squash court behind school. We went to art competitions, and I believe we won a few prizes too. Maybe we did this for the love of art, maybe we just wanted to bunk- but who cares.

Well, I am not exactly the quintessential artist right now. I am a stray novelist, sort of photographer who facilitates workshops for children, and sort of.... well free spirit. If today I believe I am free, it is because in the year 1998 (perhaps?) I hung out with you, and we did things beyond the ordinary. We dared to break the monotony of attendance! We actually lived the 'we don't need no education' line from pink floyd.

Thank you.
Ajit

Headlines to make people read/watch stuff on social media, because everyone is an idiot

1. He ran out of tissues while he was in the loo, what he used to wipe his bum will make you sob like Katrina's ex boyfriend
2. His shoe buckle did not buckle, what he did next will surprise you
3. This cute dog died five years ago, what happened to its carcass will make you whine like a cat
4. He sneezed phlegm onto his cereal bowl, how the bowl reacted will make you cry
5. He slipped into a coma while trying to find a missing sock, what his missing sock was doing will make you cringe
6. His motorbike would not start in the first kick, what he did next will reduce you to tears
7. He left his wife for a wild buffalo a year ago, how his children look like now, will make you smile
8. He lost his testicles in a freak zipping accident, how he cried in pain will make you laugh out loud

Meditation- Part 2

Another simple awakening happened within me. A simple realisation. I was meditating when I heard my dog barking, and I thought- he is not barking at me, or to me. Yet I can hear him. I can sense what he is feeling, his angst.

Then it must be true that- 'every act of communication on my part, is a prayer.'

Meditation and a dog, are drawing me closer to the source of all life.

The nature of brain freeze- Part 1

My brain has been gotten frozen- this sentence I typed at the exact moment of brain freeziness, so the grammatical error was unintended . I feel that somewhere along the way in the past few days, the spark activity flowing through my nerve endings were too much and too many for my brain to handle, so it sorta shut down. It froze inside out.

I was having to deal with about 19 children or they were having to deal with me... I was facilitating a 'child journalist' workshop and true to my philosophy of 'do not be a jackass of a teacher'- I was giving it my all to make sure that they all participated willingly and that they were having fun. At the same time they were to also learn- the art of being an amateur journalist.

I met a vice president HR guy (very senior management types) who was counseling someone, I just happened to be there while he was at it. A very thorough professional he was and he said something that sounds like the following- 'You will never be able to deal with the late nights, the extra mile, the hard work, the personal sacrifices blah blah blah if you do not know why you are doing what you are doing and you do not have an end goal in sight.'

Well, I have news for you pal (I am imagining an imaginary conversation with the senior VP)- 'Why?' is a never ending question. You can put 'Why?' on a spindle and keep spinning it with a 'Why?', 'Then why?' 'Why the f*?' 'But why?' 'So why?' and the thread on the spindle will never end.

Because assuming you do find some purpose of some sought, if you sat and thought long enough you will come up with a reason to negate your reason. Believe me when I tell you- your brain will freeze. I have seen and read many godmen, many religions respond to this in their own sweet way. And the responses can put under the following collectives-

1) Exploitative- Work hard and you will find meaning in your life. Well if your boss says that to you, you can be sure that he/she does not exactly have your best interest in mind. I recently read a blog post by a spiritual guru who said something similar to his volunteers who probably worked for him for peanuts (literally too for he also prescribed a diet of nuts and uncooked foods like fruit and usually volunteers get paid only with free accommodation and food). Hard work unfortunately is not an end in itself.

2) Afterlife- meaning will be found in an afterlife. Well that sorta only pushes the question to another time, or place. In case your soul sorta floats away to the clouds, then this soul of yours will have to answer the same question, in the clouds.

3) Dishonesty- people settle for less complicated answers, even though they know them to be- probably not true, because one- they prefer to lead a simple life and believe ignorance is bliss. And second- they do not want to encounter a brain freeze.

'what is the purpose of your labour?' It is a difficult question this and sometimes I feel like I am pushed to the very edge. Sometimes it is my own doing- the pushing I mean. I hate myself for it too. And I think that most of it, I do it involuntarily. Maybe there is a better more efficient way of doing things- a sort of a zen and the art of teaching kids or something.

Now a few months later my brain has frozen again. Not because I had too much to do, but because I had too little to do. Not of my own choosing but- my plans got stretched out because of reasons which were beyond my control. Rains, botched travel plans etc.. etc..

This type of brain freeze is a lot worse. The other type just requires a little rest and contemplation. But this type of brain freeze results from having too much time and spending too much of the time in contemplation.

And the truth is that existential frustration, ferments in these gaps of life. Where every issue, however small, works on your nerves and short circuits your brain. Why are the damn office lights so bright? Why did I not finish this blog piece for more than three months?

Your friends begin to annoy you more than they should. The idiosyncrasies you found funny, are now just a thorn in your thigh.
While I go on and on in this rant, I do see better things to come. But these 'things'- thoughts, dreams, ambitions, planned vacations, highness, peaceful moments, rest, moments of sporting brilliance, moments of innovative breakthroughs, all of these come and go as they please. When I exert more effort they seem more elusive, when I work in a frivolous manner they engulf me with their light.

I have no control, over when my brain freezes and when it runs over with bliss.

Liverpool's season 2014/15- What to expect.

Luis Suarez has left. Liverpool made no attempt to stop him from leaving and Barcelona did not dilly dally with a bid lower than his release clause.
He scored 31goals- may I add none of them came from penalties- and he made 12 assists. A phenomenon ever so incredible, given that he did not play close to a dozen games for biting a certain chelsea defender.

Unlike Torres who left when he was in horrible form which made the 50million chelsea paid for him excellent business, the 75million Barcelona paid for Suarez looks like good value.

So your best (or the World's best) centre forward leaves, and you known that you threw away the league title because of a horrible defensive display. What would you do in the transfer market?

You either replace the centre forward with one young striker who may grow to be like him in a couple of seasons and you buy one decent goal scorer who you are absolutely certain will score 15 to 20 goals in 2014.

Also you buy one defensive midfielder, one center half and two wing backs. You attacking midfield looks solid and fine- you decide to throw your dice on one exciting talent that may or may not become the next Steven Gerrald or... cough cough... lionel Messi.

Liverpool instead have so far bought three attacking players with a fourth looking to be on the cards, one supposedly defensive midfielder and one defender.

The reason I write one supposedly defensive midfielder is because I saw Emre Can's youtube videos- did not see even one tackle or interception.

Lambert, Markovic, Lallana, Origi (who may still not join if he fails a medical- these things happen) are all known to spark in the final third. Just like Sterling, Coutinho, and Sturridge. These players don't need replacing. There is no need for four players and one more to come apparently, in positions you are already strong in. It does look like a repeat of Tottenham and Chelsea from last season.

And till now only Lovren looks a solid signing. A player who is sure to bring some common sense in defense. A player who can calm a few nerves and make a few important interceptions.
If Liverpool do not buy a right back and left back before the transfer window closes, then they can kiss the chance of winning the Premier League title goodbye. Johnson sucks in defense and his attack is not looking so good either- he does not try cross the damn ball.

Flannagan was better than Johnson but like Stevie G the fellow has a bad case of the nerves in 'squeaky bum time'.

Liverpool can win the title this season, but only if they buy a couple of defense minded players and -I am so sorry for this blasphemy- if they bench Stevie G in the second half of important games.

War in grade three

In a world where people fight
where folks think it okay
to hit, shoot, slander and hurt
protecting culture, customs, religions, thoughts.

I think I may be able to trace this
to a time when I was young
for a senior in the 6th grade
had an idea for which he needed a brigade.

He hated trading cards
this distortion of the young heart
that requires us to buy gums and chips
so we can chew and collect wrestling slash cricket cards.

So what was his strategy
seek and destroy
steal and confiscate
thrash and tear, let the young hearts bleed.

We would show interest
we would say wow let me hold it
and then we ran and tore it
tossed up bits in the air which slowly fell on young hearts.

Young hearts are so impressionable
they can easily be taught to love something
which is absolutely worthless
we need to bleed these hearts and make them see.

But later I thought to myself
am I not a young heart that got impressioned
why hate the people who liked
something worthless maybe, but should I hurt them?

So I decided to trade cards myself
as a third grader it was a brave act
for the sixth grader thought it was treason
and yelled from across the school van- I will get you.

Years later now I see
why wars are fought and peacekeepers shot
why conflicting thoughts lead to hate
damn those sixth graders let's kill them all.

Wait a minute did I cross my own line
you who holds a gun, am I no worse than you?
will I ever resolve my hate for sixth graders and be free
or will I forever be stuck in grade three?

Joe has got a story

I used to think that I will be the next big Godman of 'Inclusivism,' a religion that I will find in the future, where all human being will shed their exclusivist traits and embark on a journey of unity in diversity. Strangely, a man sat on my train berth very recently. (I was travelling from Howrah to Sahibganj a town in Jarkhand). My spirit of being an inclusive ‘Godman’ vanished (I use this word as a sarcastic gesture to all Godmen by the way).

He was drenched in sweat. He was ugly, his skin sagged in a not so aesthetic way all over his face, he was slow to speech and oh how I wanted to ask him if he had a reserved ticket and if he indeed belonged here. To make things worse his eyes had this horrible squint, so I never knew if he was staring directly at me or into empty space.

Turns out he did have a reservation and other people (a family) had temporarily dislodged him from his seat. What I have realised is that you trip on your own preaching like the preaching itself were a rock, a stumbling block. Your own words of wisdom sometimes end up as a pebble in your shoe. Very annoying, but you put it there.

Talking to this guy who was slow in speech I found out that he is mechanic who works in a train shed, and that is about all I got from his slow incoherent speech. There was a strange humility in him, like he were the Godman who was including me in his book of life.

EPL washing machine 2013-14

The famous Gerraldian slip just being one of them, the twists and turns the premiere league has encountered this season has been nothing short of a washing machine churning clothes. The fight to reach the top, the top four and the fight to avoid the drop has left viewers gasping for breath, entwined in an emotional cocktail of dupatta dreams and pyjama nightmares.

It began even before the season had begun, with Sir Alex retiring and appointing david moyes his successor. Early notes of a journalist will reflect on how Liverpool and Man united managed poorly in the transfer market with key targets snubbing moves, and how brilliantly Arsenel, after failing with Suarez, tugged at Ozil who consented to be the next big thing. Journalist notes reflect briefly on the money spent by Chelsea and Man City on players for positions they already have a slurpus of. Sort of like Paris Hilton's next pair of shoes, she simply does not need them. Chelsea bought Willian for 30 million even though they needed a striker a lot more, and City kept on buying strikers. If they had retained tevez and adebayor they might have built a team entirely of strikers. Pellegrini promised to win all the cups in the queen's kitchen and he may after all win the EPL crown this season.

In the beginning
Both the Manchester teams start slow, but Liverpool's early ascendance to the top was rather surprising. They had won four in a row and that too without Suarez. But after the initial flourish, it was Arsenel who blazed their way to the top after an initial slip with a 1-3 loss to Aston Villa at home. The home crowd booed them off, they wanted a hero and Arsene simply refused to sign one... till he signed Ozil for close to 50mill. Ozil seemed like a crocodile at times, his emotions and effort barely noticeable. Sort of like Berbatov after he drank half a bottle of Benadril and then filled his belly with a full can of red bull. Stunning laziness which suddenly sparked with a deadly pass that would result in a goal. Arsenel had to be stopped and they were stopped by Chelsea, who parked the bus at the Emirites. Ring a bell? Anfield? The Gerraldian slip?
THE GUNNERS WIN ROUND ONE

Then a bit later
Mourinho announces that after an initial slump, he needs to stop being a philosopher and become more of a Manmohan Singh. Park the bus with big opponents, cagely attack small opposition, no risk, no janjhat. It worked. Come 2014 he beat Man City at the City of Manchestor stadium, with Hart's metaphorical slip and Torres scoring. Mourinho went to Phase-2, mind games of malformed studds and stallions. It worked, he got under everyone's skin- at one point he called Arsene a failure. Really? My Manmohan Singh analogy falls flat on its face with Phase-2. Mr.Singh never called anyone a failure (gasp).
CHELSEA WIN ROUND TWO

Even later
S A S A S
Suarez, Sturridge and Sterling made Anfield rain goals, it was like Chennai in the monsoon of 2005. The flooding of opponent half with the red torrent, of pace and trickery created some of the most spectacular goals. Watch the four goals at West Brom early on, the six at Cardiff, the three at the theatre of dreams. Sterling's race down the flanks, Suarez's dives (atleast he did not bite anyone this season), Coutinho's killer passes, Sturridges touches and Stevie's vision sort of coincided with the decline in spectaculor fashion of Manchestor United. The loss of Carrick's vision, the loss of pace/trickery of united wingers, the lethal swing of Van Persie's boot nonexistent and Wayne Rooney's err stomach cramps? It's not all the players fault though. A TV presenter spelt it out briefly and accurately- "Moyes had United's wide men playing narrow." Liverpool went on a long unbeaten run till someone parked the bus again. And even while they were winning so many they were conceding a lot of poor goals because of nervousness. Perhaps Baba Ramdev's Yoga would have cured them of this and other afflictions.
LIVERPOOL WIN ROUND THREE AND ALMOST TAKE THE FINAL ROUND

Final Round
After crashing out from the Champions League and FA cup, Man City have hit form at the right time. Even though they lost to Liverpool at Anfield, they seem a more mature side which is used to being at the top. They will not leave a 3-0 lead slip for instance, and nervous they are not. The millions spent on player wage have not gone completely to waste, they have Mourinho of all people talking about financial fair play. While the other teams have super heroes, man city have two for each position- Dzeko and Aguero, Toure and Silva, Kompany and Zabaletta. I am reminded of that famous hindi film dialogue- Mere pass sub kuch hai, tumhare pass kya hai? (I have everything, what do you have?).
Mourinho's Answer- Mere pass Ba hai.
WINNER TO BE DECIDED

Don't miss the finale on star sports 1 and 4- this sunday 7.20pm (no busses to be parked).

Photo credit- Tom Jenkins (http://www.theguardian.com/football/gallery/2014/apr/27/premier-league-liverpool-chelsea-in-pictures?picture=435441402)

Meditation- Part 1

I sat to meditate after a tiring day. Just before sitting down in the meditative pose, I read a watsapp post by a friend titled- horror stories wrapped up in a line or two. Not a good idea if you are just about to meditate.

But I started anyway. I have learnt this Yoga routine that lasts for close to thirty minutes, but in recent times I prefer to just sit with my eyes closed. Which is what I did, breathing slowly, chin slightly upright, shoulders relaxed, wrists resting on my knees, index finger and thumb touching each other at the tip- forming a perfect circle, straight spine with a cushion gently holding it up.

It did not start well. For I saw a ghostly figure trying to disturb me from my rest. Perhaps a symptom of that watsapp message. I remembered the words of the Buddha, I read a few days ago. It went something like this (not quoting exactly)- it is important that men sit in caves and forests and try to collect their thoughts. They should try to arrange them and grapple with them till they find the truth.

Hmmm... Here I am sitting in a room, air-conditioned and comfortable. The door is not latched and my wife is somewhere downstairs- watching TV perhaps. I am safe and sound. There is no ghostly presence, and I can feel secure. Which is what I did...

My mind was at ease. Like 'Mike' my Alsatian dog who looks at me a certain way when he gazes into my eyes, his head slightly tilting one side, I too gazed at the universe that sat before me. My eyes still closed. I remembered how some sages are able to travel through time and are able to see what they were in their previous lifetimes. Before I knew it, I was in a similar journey myself.

I existed as sperm who swam to his mother's ovary. My mother a sperm too who swam from her father and to her mother's ovary... so was my father. I felt 'motile.' I split into two- one in Kerela and one in Tamilnadu. And later split again, one in India, one in Africa. The continents were one and some part of me migrated to the colder north and became a white skinned being. I was not sure what I was before all of this. I felt my self being in a hot and clouded place, a notan breath giving my form life... the breath itself existed on its own, the negative exhale and the positive inhale wrestling into oblivion.

I cannot not express what I felt beyond that moment for what I felt transcends language. Language does not exist at these boundaries... I can make an attempt in hindsight. I felt the little light in the room, pierce my skin and the universe was making an attempt to become one with me. Or was it the other way around? Was the body, that I exist in, trying to breach its boundaries. I could feel my molecules exploding at an atomic level.

The door clicks and my wife walks in... About ten minutes later I open my eyes. I had been meditating for close to an hour.

You Will Never Walk Alone - Part 2

The opening bit of part one of this blog piece went like this-

Why don't you become the fan of another football club? My mom asked me casually, as though asking me to replace an old shirt with a new one. Liverpool seem to be losing everything. And I have been asking myself- why am I a liverpool fan. Read the full post here http://orkuttingourselvestodeath.blogspot.in/2010/08/youll-never-walk.html

Today March 17th 2014 is the day after the day Liverpool completed the league double over Man united. They beat them 3-0. Recently they beat Arsenal 5-1, thrashed Everton 4-0 and spanked Tottenham 5-0 (away from home). More than the results, they have been playing some mouthwatering football. Suarez like a twisting and turning fox, Sturridge a swanky finisher, Sterling with lightning pace, Coutinho's crazy through balls- these players have all shined like crazy diamonds in a bunch.

Henderson and Gerrald have had points to prove with Fergie calling one 'injury prone cause he runs funny' and the other 'not a top midfielder.'

Henderson has proven himself to have two extra lungs, so he can run any way he likes. Stevie... well he continues to be a legend. Continues to be a top top top, one club, one mission- midfield demigod. He continues to splay the ball long and wide like Xabi Alonso, finish like Fernando Torres and tackle like Javier Mascherano. The blocks he made against united, the penalties he scored and passes he... I can go on and on.

Like in part one of this blog, I continue to identify with the club, which has been on a rise (in part one they were on a low). I will not- blow my trumpet here and describe in detail 'the rise' that my personal and professional life has witnessed. But what I can say is that I have personally felt the benefit of- not giving up, astute management, developing an identity or a brand as someone who not only produces results but does so with style and principle.

Having said that- I still see a lot of scope for improvement. Defense is also key, even though Liverpool have scored the most number of goals so far, a leaky defense has meant we lie third in the table (if man city win the games in hand).

We have learned, we have remained humble, we have grown and now the light shines at the end of the tunnel. We did not walk alone in the dark, we will now stride forward in the light as one...