The nature of brain freeze- Part 1

My brain has been gotten frozen- this sentence I typed at the exact moment of brain freeziness, so the grammatical error was unintended . I feel that somewhere along the way in the past few days, the spark activity flowing through my nerve endings were too much and too many for my brain to handle, so it sorta shut down. It froze inside out.

I was having to deal with about 19 children or they were having to deal with me... I was facilitating a 'child journalist' workshop and true to my philosophy of 'do not be a jackass of a teacher'- I was giving it my all to make sure that they all participated willingly and that they were having fun. At the same time they were to also learn- the art of being an amateur journalist.

I met a vice president HR guy (very senior management types) who was counseling someone, I just happened to be there while he was at it. A very thorough professional he was and he said something that sounds like the following- 'You will never be able to deal with the late nights, the extra mile, the hard work, the personal sacrifices blah blah blah if you do not know why you are doing what you are doing and you do not have an end goal in sight.'

Well, I have news for you pal (I am imagining an imaginary conversation with the senior VP)- 'Why?' is a never ending question. You can put 'Why?' on a spindle and keep spinning it with a 'Why?', 'Then why?' 'Why the f*?' 'But why?' 'So why?' and the thread on the spindle will never end.

Because assuming you do find some purpose of some sought, if you sat and thought long enough you will come up with a reason to negate your reason. Believe me when I tell you- your brain will freeze. I have seen and read many godmen, many religions respond to this in their own sweet way. And the responses can put under the following collectives-

1) Exploitative- Work hard and you will find meaning in your life. Well if your boss says that to you, you can be sure that he/she does not exactly have your best interest in mind. I recently read a blog post by a spiritual guru who said something similar to his volunteers who probably worked for him for peanuts (literally too for he also prescribed a diet of nuts and uncooked foods like fruit and usually volunteers get paid only with free accommodation and food). Hard work unfortunately is not an end in itself.

2) Afterlife- meaning will be found in an afterlife. Well that sorta only pushes the question to another time, or place. In case your soul sorta floats away to the clouds, then this soul of yours will have to answer the same question, in the clouds.

3) Dishonesty- people settle for less complicated answers, even though they know them to be- probably not true, because one- they prefer to lead a simple life and believe ignorance is bliss. And second- they do not want to encounter a brain freeze.

'what is the purpose of your labour?' It is a difficult question this and sometimes I feel like I am pushed to the very edge. Sometimes it is my own doing- the pushing I mean. I hate myself for it too. And I think that most of it, I do it involuntarily. Maybe there is a better more efficient way of doing things- a sort of a zen and the art of teaching kids or something.

Now a few months later my brain has frozen again. Not because I had too much to do, but because I had too little to do. Not of my own choosing but- my plans got stretched out because of reasons which were beyond my control. Rains, botched travel plans etc.. etc..

This type of brain freeze is a lot worse. The other type just requires a little rest and contemplation. But this type of brain freeze results from having too much time and spending too much of the time in contemplation.

And the truth is that existential frustration, ferments in these gaps of life. Where every issue, however small, works on your nerves and short circuits your brain. Why are the damn office lights so bright? Why did I not finish this blog piece for more than three months?

Your friends begin to annoy you more than they should. The idiosyncrasies you found funny, are now just a thorn in your thigh.
While I go on and on in this rant, I do see better things to come. But these 'things'- thoughts, dreams, ambitions, planned vacations, highness, peaceful moments, rest, moments of sporting brilliance, moments of innovative breakthroughs, all of these come and go as they please. When I exert more effort they seem more elusive, when I work in a frivolous manner they engulf me with their light.

I have no control, over when my brain freezes and when it runs over with bliss.